The Journey

Mary Winkler: A Typical Pastor's Wife?

Mary Winkler was accused of shooting her preacher husband with a shot-gun as he stood in the hallway of the home they shared with their three young children. This week Mary was found guilty of manslaughter which carries a prison term of 3-6 years.

Mary claimed that her husband both physically and verbally abused her. She also denied that she was pre-meditated in her actions and that the shotgun fired accidentally.

The bigger story here seems to be that Mary Winkler was a committed Christian married to a pastor who was loved and respected by the community yet still felt it necessary (and somewhat okay) to shoot her husband and flee with their children.

But an even bigger story emerges when we look at the statistics for pastor's wives as reported by several reputable Christian ministries (Campus Crusade and Focus on the Family as reported by Newsweek, April 23, 2007 issue):

 80% of pastor's wives feel left out, unappreciated, and underqualified
 88% of pastor's wives have felt depression
 Pastors divorce at about the same rate as the national average—50%

A pastor/leader must appropriately calendar in times of weekly rest, monthly down time, and regular vacations in the same way that every person with any responsibility must do.

The church the pastor is leading must make sure that the pastor's marriage, family, and finances are in good shape AND getting better each year. This can be done through developing leadership, open dialogue on all issues, and directing the pastor to preach authentic messages based on his personal growth testimony.

Appropriate teaching on the proper place of the pastor in the context of the congregation is also necessary, as well as teaching on what the actual duties or the pastor and his wife are (after prayerful consideration of their gift-mix).

But, the greatest step each of us can take in order to make sure our pastor, his wife, and his children are safe is to consistently mature ourselves through hearing and following the voice of the True Pastor.

You thought I was going to say 'pray' didn't you? Prayer is great and necessary but I truly believe the best action you can take is to follow God's voice, finding your life in Christ and not the words of any leader regardless of how articulate and wise they may be.

This very simple determination to follow the Great Shepherd in one move releases your pastor from the pressure you will surely and inappropriately place on him. Jesus is your guide.

Your pastor is a sheep just like you who occasionally wears the cloak of a shepherd so do not be fooled into thinking more highly of him/her then you should. You will damage them and severely limit your walk with God.

Pastors are guides pointing to the True Shepherd. Please let your pastors know that you love them, support them, and release them from any inappropriate pressure you have placed them under.

God, Larry Birkhead, & Howard K. Stern

Anna Nicole Smith's little girl has a father now. Or, it has been proven who her real father is. And Larry had to fight for his right to be her father and prove through blood and DNA that he was her father.

Howard K. Stern had to know that he was not the father. He had to be able to look at Dannielynn and go "Hmm, she just doesn't look a thing like me". But he did not. HKS took every advantage he could to have the little girl with him as long as possible and to exert as much control over her future as possible. Howard's only right to her was a legal right (of possession and of law). HKS wanted to give Dannielynn his last name even though they did not share the same blood or DNA.

Larry had no possession of Dannielynn even though he was her father. Dannielynn did not know him even though she was his daughter. Larry's only hope was that his blood would be found in Dannielynn.

Not to make Howard K. Stern out to be the devil BUT isn't it just like satan to proclaim his legal right over us, call a press conference, tell everyone we are his, and make us live with him?

Not to make Larry Birkhead out to be God BUT isn't it just like God to fight for us, love us even when He does not have us, and eventually prove to all that we share His blood and DNA?

Mary Winkler and a Life of Quiet Desperation

By all accounts from neighbors and church goers alike, Mary Winkler and her pastor husband Matthew was a happy couple. Matthew was an up and coming pastor in the community who had just taken a new position in a growing community. There 3-children were bright, cheerful, and beautiful.

Everything was fine until one day last year Mary shot her husband with a shotgun and killed him in the hallway of their nice, happy home.

No one thought anything was wrong. Mike had the 'right' job in the community. They were raising three great little girls. By all outside appearances everything was near perfect.

If Mike had been caught in an affair and then Mary shot him we would not be so surprised. If Mary had been struggling in the open with a cocaine addiction the shock would have been minimized.

We are shocked when we see people 'like us' crossing the line of polite and normal society. And Mary Winkler definitely crossed the line.

Lives of quiet desperation often hide behind the façade of a smile, a hallelujah, regular church attendance, a successful spouse, a fantastic house, and the right position in the community.

The drug addict in the street is living his torment openly. The prostitute on the corner is placing her desperation and pain up for sale. The desperation of the criminal behind bars is often obvious. The need of the homeless person is clear.

Often our incomes allow us to better hide our pain, our fear, our struggles, and our sin. It is almost as if the higher the income the higher we can erect the walls to protect our internal struggles and pain.

Mary Winkler had to feel all alone. Statistically (see other article on Winkler) pastor's wives deal with feeling lonely, separate, unseen, and depressed at an above average level. When we mix in the false yet very damaging religious perfectionism that is so prevalent within our churches today it is no wonder that a pastor's wife (or the pastor) does not cry out for help.

Success, instead of giving us a position of security and confidence, often makes us even quieter and more desperate with the walls that keep others out. Our success, instead of becoming a platform to launch change that could benefit all, becomes something that we may lose so we keep our mouths shut and just keep trudging on.

Until we snap. The snap can be having an affair, spiraling into depression, spending foolishly, ruining relationships, divorce, or killing someone like Mary Winkler did.

Yet, in act of humility and transparency of confessing our sin and our wounds to our friends in Christ we would surely be healed.

If you are afraid of losing your position then you are already on the way to losing it (and it is no longer worth being saved). If you are afraid of what the people you fellowship with will say or how they will respond then your relationship with them is already sick and needs some radical surgery.

Go ahead and live life open, even if it is painful for a season. It is far better then living forever behind a brick wall of false success in quiet desperation.

Dallas Willard says that "We live life vulnerable because in the end we are invulnerable". Yeah, let us live that life and not be quiet about our desperation.